10 THINGS WRONG WITH IKEA

Okay, so I’ve moved into my new apartment, which means – you guessed it – hours and hours of scrolling through Ikea’s website looking for that special piece of furniture that hits my price point but doesn’t have that Ikea look about it. Like, I don’t want people to walk in and say “you got that from Ikea, didn’t you?” I know it’s not just me that looks for this!

Along with the scrolling came the actual physical moving through the maze that is Ikea, as well as the hell that is building. I’m well versed in how Ikea works and so I think I’m pretty qualified to point out every little thing about the place that drives me up the wall. Thank god I’m all moved in now, because I think I’d rather die than ever go back.

So, here’s my ’10 THINGS WRONG WITH IKEA’:

1. Where are the toilets? This is number one on my list because I can’t count the number of times I’ve been walking through, unable to even concentrate as my eyes dart around like a lunatic looking for somewhere, anywhere, for me to relieve myself. It’s a problem Ikea.
2. This is a really tiny problem and incredibly specific, but when I’m searching for something on Ikea’s website and I click on something super far down the list, I don’t want to have to begin the whole scrolling process all over again if I don’t like the chest of drawers I clicked on. My fingers can’t take the friction.
3. Slow walkers. I don’t want to be here. You don’t want to be here. Let’s not make this harder than it needs to be by walking at a glacial pace.
4. This isn’t really Ikea’s fault, but I’m going to shift the blame anyway. I live in an apartment building where the majority of the residents are of retirement age. Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be hammering furniture together all day. I know they can hear me and I know that they already hate me.
5. On the subject of building, I’ve finished building my chest of drawers – MALM if you wanted to know. However, I have enough material, nails and screws and what not to build an entirely new one! Where did I go wrong? Will my chest of drawers fall apart? Am I just playing a waiting game?
6. Don’t get me wrong, there’s something incredibly useful about having a blue bag big enough to fit a car in. But I’ve been to Ikea so many times in the last few months that my airing cupboard is now overflowing with bags. I don’t even think I have enough things to fill the bags. Is there a smaller bag I missed? There probably is and I just rationalised the need for 800 big blue bags.
7. The carpark. I don’t need to say much else. It’s the worst.
8. I feel like Ikea is the place where relationships go to die. Seriously, there needs to be some kind of counselling session halfway through the store so couples can work out their differences before one of them crushes the other with a KALLAX flatpack.
9. I’m vegetarian, which means I order the veggie meatballs from Ikea. Love them. They taste great. But just because I don’t eat meat does not mean I am healthy. I want the mash potato and gravy that comes with the regular meatballs. Give it to me. Let me bathe in it. I’m hungry.
10. Most of all, the thing wrong with Ikea is that it is just too damn amazing. It has everything I could possibly want and genuinely inspires me with room ideas. Why is that wrong? I don’t know, but it was quite hard to think of 10 things so I’m sticking with this.